Self-Love For The Alienated Parent

Each morning when I wake up, the first thing I think of is how I can’t believe I am so distanced from my children. Like many other alienated and/or rejected (description depends on who you ask), I struggle with finding my purpose or finding validity in being happy. Deep down I know that I deserve to be happy in this life. We only have one shot at this life, and we should not spend each day drowning in our sorrows. I don’t think that the people that are attached to our grief hurt in the same way that we do, so why would we want to give them the satisfaction of dwelling on constant heartache while we are waiting for a more positive outcome to our problem?

No one understands the heartache of an alienated/rejected parent like another alienated/rejected parent. If you choose to confide in someone that has never been affected you’re likely to hear responses such as, “put it all behind you,” “they’ll come around,” “just think of all the fun you could be having.” While those are all great ideas, we all know that we struggle not only from day-to-day but from minute-to-minute. All our stories are different. All our stories are subject to being judged and misunderstood. No one will understand your story 100% because no one has lived it but you. The only solace we do have is finding comfort in those that understand from the fiber of their very souls.

I created an Instagram account https://www.instagram.com/parental_alienation_self_love/ to provide love, support, and motivation for learning to take your life back. How many of you have googled ‘how do I survive parental alienation?’ ‘how do I survive without my kids?’ I have! We must survive and we have every right to be happy, be loved, and embrace all the beauty that life has to offer. I don’t want to wake up every day identifying as the Alienated/Rejected Parent. I want to wake up as Love, Light and a voice for those that are struggling. If being rejected is going to be a part of my life, I choose to be a warrior and rise above the hate. We can do this together through love and self-love.

Please feel free to visit my Instagram and my blog for encouragement and a safe place for being You, not who They think you are.

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Mom or Fangirl?

I’ve been absent. A much-needed break from writing about my heartache has only brought me back with a renewed sense of purpose in sharing my story.

The worst thing I think a parent should ever have to attempt is to not think of their children. Fearing that all attempts to communicate or reach out to your own child or children is seen as an act of annoyance or even harassment. The act of oppressing your favorite memories and the desire to share your love with your own child is painful, to say the least.

I have recently related my behavior of thinking of my children to that of a fan idolizing a celebrity. I am distanced by location and cut off virtually even though we have the world wide web at our disposal and in our hands most of our waking hours.

I dream of my children. Nightmares of howling their names at the top of my lungs while feeling my heart breaking into a million pieces are the worst to wake up from. Dreaming that they allow me to touch them or even being blessed with a smile meant for me, from any of my children, are dreams I don’t wish to wake up from.

How did this happen to me? How did this happen to my precious children? I know the answers to these questions. Most answers start with “because I chose to do this…..” All questions are also answered with all fingers pointing straight at me. Every person I know has an armed finger, seemingly pointing in my direction, without them having their brain armed with the facts. This is very frustrating for erased/alienated parents. To be judged and dismissed so quickly by those who should be doing anything but judging.

I too once judged parents for not being in their children’s lives. What a terrible person, I thought. There was a time I thought I had it all together and nothing like this would ever happen to me. I was constantly lifted up as a loving mother by family, friends, church acquaintances, strangers, and especially my children’s father. These accolades stopped the moment I chose to answer ‘yes’ when their father demanded I answer his question “do you want a divorce?!” I wasn’t prepared for this question even though we were having a terrible conflict and he was sleeping at a friend’s house. He demanded an answer and I gave it to him. From that point on I made a lot of choices that steered my life in a path that was remarkably different from what I would have done even the week before. I was tired and I was fed up. This isn’t the beginning of a miraculous, beautiful change in my life. The next 6 years were some of the worst of my life. Even though I almost lost myself completely during this time, I am thankful for the lessons learned and most grateful for the child I brought into this world during this time.

I am still here and I encourage you to continue living this life right along with me. Follow my story. Dive deep with me into the heartache of humanity and also the beauty of life. You deserve to feel all the love and experiences that this world has to offer. Let’s do this together.

I’m back

I haven’t written in quite some time! I’m actually surprising myself by writing now. I wanted to take a break from my own brain over the summer, seeing how I write things that are very emotionally triggering to my past traumas.

My husband, daughter and I traveled to Mexico and Florida this summer. My husband and I stayed in Mexico for 2 months while my daughter spent 4 weeks. She spent the other 4 weeks visiting her father in Florida. From what I can tell she had a wonderful time. Behind the scenes, her trip caused a lot of drama for me concerning my 2 exes and my other children who refuse to have anything to do with me. Some people will recognize what I am experiencing as Parental Alienation. Some will blame me and judge me for it, but I think this is because they are unaware of what Parental Alienation is.

Even though my daughter’s father and I have an extremely rocky past, we generally try to get along well with each other. Here are some quotes of things he just texted 2 days ago, 9/9/18:

“Thank you for taking good care of her you’re the best mommy”

I said… “4 out of 5 children disagree, but thank you :)”,

“Well they’re wrong I know mommy’s and I know you’re the best. I’m happy my little princess has you for her mommy and her best friend. I would tell them but they don’t listen. Overtime I will let them know what a loving mother you are when I see them but I can’t put it on them too hard. I’m just happy I have the most happy sweet beautiful little princess that loves everybody.”
“I know I didn’t do things I should have done. Things would of been different if I wasn’t so stupid and irresponsible. I’m sorry for my negative influence with what life in Florida was like for you and the kids.”
“I wish things were different. You’re a beautiful sweet person they will see someday. Be patient and be there when they are ready.”

I said a few things to him as well. I hate that I feel like I have to continue to remind people what I went through. I don’t think anyone really knows. The severe depression that developed after losing a relationship with my oldest child, trying to function while living alongside my daughter’s father who was a severe compulsive gambling addict, constantly fighting with my other children’s father, the anemia I was battling was a huge factor in my health as well. There are so many more things that I’ve mentioned in other blogs and many more that I haven’t talked about yet.

This summer was tough. My daughter’s father was angry at me because he blames me for the divorce of his 6 month marriage he had attempted starting November of last year. My other children’s father has always undermined me, disrespected me and flat-out made things difficult for me concerning our kids. He has complete disregard for anything I want concerning anything. He has done smear campaigns and spread lies; he took it even further this summer. Therefore, sending my daughter to this location with both of these men, given their attitudes toward me at the time, created a lot of drama.

I attempted to visit my children 4 times last year and was rejected all 4 times by my 3 sons, and my oldest daughter only visited me one time. This was during her graduation. We rented a condo for a week that would accommodate everyone, but not even my daughter would stay the night. It was a very difficult week for me emotionally. This was the first opportunity I had to see my children after having to move due to losing my home, and remarrying. My children’s father treated me like a complete monster. He sent me a long letter stating when and where I could be, sit, walk at her graduation. He had my entire itinerary of minutes to be spent in which locations. He didn’t allow me to pick my daughter up at his home. He had her walk a mile to a place for me to pick her up. This was in Florida in the summer when it is hot.

There is so much for me to recollect and write about this summer. I need to do this so that I don’t forget. As much as these memories bother me, I feel that one day they might be important.

I will write more about what happened this summer soon.
Thank you for reading and I hope you have a blessed day!

Florida-itis * My Symptoms

I want to write about a couple of the things I experienced while I lived in Florida that affected me significantly. One of those things is anemia. Not many people understand how anemia effects someone physically and mentally. Initially, I was diagnosed with anemia in 2011, and I stopped being affected by it in November 2016 after a procedure called an ablation. The ablation was one of the best things to happen to my mental and physical health hands down! Before the surgery I was exhausted beyond comprehension, working and taking care of 4 children. I was also struggling with severe clinical depression. Anemia and depression together are a terrible combination.

I was called ‘lazy’ by my ex-husband when I didn’t want to do things for him on the days he had the children. I can’t even describe to you how tired I was. On my days off I would take my youngest to daycare, just so that I could sleep. I never went out on weekends. I was so excited to sleep. Sleep was all I wanted. I fantasized about sleep. To be degraded and looked down on as much as I was when I was in Florida certainly did not help my depressive state.

I want to list the symptoms of anemia that affected me. I am hoping that one day if my children ever are interested, that can be better informed about what happened with their mom instead of believing information from someone who does not have the best feelings about me.

Anemia is a blood disorder that varies widely depending on the root cause of the anemia and here are the symptoms I felt:
1. Fatigue and loss of energy
2. A significant increase in heartbeat, particularly with exercise (my children might remember seeing me wearing a heart monitor for a few days for testing in 2011.)
3. A headache and shortness of breath (my children know that I pretty much always have a headache, but I do medicate this.)
4. Dizziness
5. Pale skin
6. Insomnia (as exhausted as I was I did also struggle with insomnia.)
7. Difficulty concentrating (I remember driving at times thinking maybe I shouldn’t be driving, but I was a single mom with no friends or support and had things I had to do.)

Now I would like to share some symptoms of the severe depression I had experienced for years. I did a great job on most days masking this for the children, but I’m sure they will remember days that I didn’t do so well at that.

Depression is a mood disorder that can interfere with everyday life. I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression, and PTSD was also considered after my extended stay in the hospital and after I birthed my youngest; I almost died, and it was an awful experience. My relationship with her father, a compulsive gambler, was also a contributor to the PTSD. I do not feel that I suffer from the PTSD at all anymore now that I have changed my entire life… which I had no choice but to do to care for myself and my youngest.

Following are the symptoms I suffered while in Florida related to severe clinical depression:
1. Feelings of sadness (my biggest heartbreak that reverberated through my mind was the loss of my relationship with my oldest son. There are endless reasons that contributed to this along with my own mistakes. Dealing with this along with struggling to co-parent efficiently with a disgruntled ex and also living alongside a compulsive gambler was more than I think most people could handle. I did it for 6 years.)
2. Irritability
3. Frustration
4. Focusing on small matters
5. Inability to have fun (I remember moments that watching TV was just too much. I would just lay on the bed staring at the ceiling.)
6. Loss of interest in daily activities (such as anything at all… not even wanting to wake up.)
7. Insomnia
8. Excessive sleeping (If there was time and I could, I would sleep. Anything to get the day over with. Also, being anemic, I desired sleep more than anything.)
9. Overeating (I would typically only eat when frustrated or mad.)
10. Loss of Appetite: (Within just a couple months of beginning my relationship with the gambler I lost about 20 lbs. due to stress and disbelief of what I had gotten myself into. I was immersed in sadness to be away from my children when they were with their dad and utterly alone because this man chose to gamble instead of spending time with me.)
11. Persistent sad, anxious, or ’empty’ mood. (For me, so much of this was because of my relationship with my oldest son and the relationship with the gambler. I had a terrible time trying to figure out how to separate myself from the gambler without any support, friends, or family.)
12. Feelings of hopelessness. (There was eventually a time that I learned to wake up without hope while living alongside the gambler. Every day was a catastrophe. Every day included all promises sure to be broken, being lied to, working in fear that he was going to want my next paycheck, having to follow all his ridiculous demands because he was helping to support my children and I.)
13. Decreased energy, fatigue, moving slowly… because life didn’t seem worth it most days. As terrible as that sounds, coming from a mother…. life is miserable when all you are doing is what everybody else wants you to, whether you like it or not.
14. Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts. I won’t write about these things….
15. Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, digestive problems… my bones would ache from the sadness alone.

These are just some things I endured. I am only mentioning them superficially. These symptoms ran deep and still try to creep into my heart and mind now that I have 4 of my children not speaking to me. I had to save myself. I had to save my youngest child. I had to save myself for all 5 of them. I was losing the battle in Florida.

I saved myself! Even though I have 4 and not just 1 child that is ignoring me currently, I am living life again. I am supported physically, financially, emotionally, and mentally. I am not alone anymore. Sometimes people can only do things so long on their own. I needed someone in my corner. I still have battles, but I am not alone. I am trusting that things will work out how they should. I only want my children to be happy. I do believe my survival is included in this, even though they are refusing anything to do with me.

Hopefully one day they will understand this.

South Dakota Memories and Keep on Keeping on!

I recently started taking walks every day because my closest cousin started walking and posting her steps on Facebook for everyone to see. Some days she would accumulate 20,000 steps! She motivated me to get off of my rear as I was probably accumulating about 2,000 steps. I’ve been loving getting outside and taking beautiful pictures with my daughter as my prop.

Most days during my walk I am reminded of Waitsburg, Washington when I was about four years old. I do have an excellent memory and can remember things as far back as wearing diapers! Walking through my neighborhood today reminded me of when I lived in South Dakota while married to the father of my older children. I love my memories of South Dakota, and I felt I should write some of these memories down in case my children ever find these blogs. I don’t know when they will ever bring me back into their lives, and I don’t want these memories lost from them forever.

We only lived in South Dakota for eight months. We moved there because my husband-at-the-time began working at a new college to coach football; unfortunately, that program ended just as we became very comfortable. Previous to South Dakota we lived in Minnesota where he coached, and his contract terminated.

We lived in a house with a beautiful, fenced in yard and had a basement where my three children would play. I would read outside, sitting on a blanket under a tree to my children every chance I got. They would then run to the swing-set that was just outside our fence. We never knew who that belonged to. I would hang dry the laundry. The children and I loved the yard. Today’s walk reminded of when I would take walks with the kids in the neighborhood and the trees canopied the sidewalks and streets, just like it does in my current area. Some nights the locusts would be all the things we could hear.

During this stay in South Dakota, my husband’s father died, and we traveled to Arkansas for his funeral. Somehow we inherited two dogs during our stay and brought them home with us. We named one dog Tsunami… I’m not sure why anymore. That might have been when that giant Tsunami occurred on the other side of the world. I don’t remember what we named the other dog. Sadly these dogs did not want to stay in our fenced yard, and things occurred that we ended up not being able to keep them anymore. We also tried to have a kitten, that very sadly did not survive. I look back at some of these moments, and I wish I had known how to handle some things differently.

We endured a terrifying night in the basement once when four thunderheads were looming over our town. I slept under a shelf while holding my 2nd son in my arms as he was only two years old. Thunderheads caused this to be a long and scary night. Fortunately, the thunderheads never turned into tornadoes and the next day we rented ‘Tornado’ and watched this with our oldest son.

I spent a lot of time cooking and experimenting in the kitchen. My oldest son spent a lot of time with me doing this. I remember we would create artistic cakes with fondant and marzipan. In this home, I remember us creating a space-themed cake.

My daughter and 2nd son spent their time playing together. They spent the majority of their childhoods as best friends. In this house, my daughter would dress up my 2nd son in dresses and her bathing suits! It was quite hilarious! He enjoyed playing dress-up unless we laughed, which was sometimes hard to avoid. He is now 16 and is all boy and would be very embarrassed if I had any pictures of this, which I don’t.

We had an inflatable ball pit in the basement they would play in and send balls all over the floor! My son’s bedroom had cowboy wallpaper, and my daughter’s bedroom had clown wallpaper. I remember hearing my 2nd son screaming once, and he was shut in the closet… I’m not sure why or why he couldn’t just open the door, I remember I hated hearing him scared.

My oldest son was in 2nd grade, and I remember he kept getting fevers and the school had a strict policy that he couldn’t come to school if his temperature were over 99.5. He missed quite a few days because I stressed over this a little too much… he wasn’t even sick half the time, I don’t think. My daughter began preschool in this town, and eventually, her teacher asked her to stop coming because she was either too complicated or immature. This was when she was in a ‘treat me like a princess’ stage and always demanded to be ‘first’ at everything. We didn’t always allow her to have her way at home, so I’m not sure why they couldn’t figure something out at school for her. She is now in college and is the furthest thing from a ‘princess’ that you could imagine. She has a fursona that she lives vicariously through as a dragon!

This is where I became pregnant with my 3rd son. I haven’t heard a word from him in over a year. I miss him with every cell in my body. He was quite a surprise. We discovered we were pregnant the week my husband had scheduled his vasectomy! Life works in its ways… not our own. I am grateful beyond measure for this child. He is beautiful and smart, and anyone who gets to be in the same room with him is blessed! How I wish it could be me.

This is where my daughter had her ears pierced. Since she has been a dragon for a few years now, those have closed up. See?… whatever we decide to do in life, we never know what the outcome is going to be. Therefore it is best to go forward each day spreading love and joy and trust that everything will be alright. I can only hope that by my spreading love however I can, that it will reach my children’s hearts and they will remember I love them more than anything at all. I love my new husband as much but differently, of course.

My Head is Buried and There is Sand in My Eyes

At what point does a person accept his or her fate, or doom, rather?
I don’t, and haven’t, had a good relationship with my mother for the majority of my life. Without going into great detail, the central theme of my childhood was to take a back seat to my sister who was only ten months older than I. Even as an adult my mother admitted to me that my sister is her favorite. The favoritism theme has never, not for a minute, broken. There are numerous reasons that I don’t have a relationship with her right now, but it causes me a bit of confusion about how to go forward with my children. Do I respect their wishes to end their relationship with me or do I press for this?

My character and intent are remarkably altered by my ex’s input. I have seen it in black and white. My ex had told lies in letters to my family, to my children, to my new husband, and to Family Services when there was an investigation in December 2016. This investigation stemmed from my 12-year-old stating to his doctor, while with my ex, that I scared him the last time I yelled at him. I’m still shaking my head over this. I understand it is essential to follow through with allegations concerning child abuse, but this was indeed not the case. In my ex’s report during his interview, the first sentence in his statement said something along the lines of, “their mom left me for someone else.” This is not true and what in the world did that have to do with this allegation except for the fact that it shows his resentment. The truth is that I didn’t go back to him because I was with someone else. I never cheated on this man. I moved on entirely too quickly, but I never cheated on him. 8 years later, and he is still telling people this. Since I left Florida a year ago, I’m sure he has this belief instilled in all the children now. It was only my oldest who believed him, now they all do. Now they all think Mommy is a liar.

What is a good reason for a child to decide to alienate himself from a parent? Is it because his mom yelled at him? Is it because he didn’t like seeing his mom date? Is it because he didn’t agree with something she said? I didn’t abuse my children. Yes, I have moments I regret. I’m pretty sure all parents have nights they go to bed wishing they had handled things differently. I have five children, and I have many days and moments I wish I had treated differently. Do I deserve to be ex-communicated and erased because of my mistakes? Aren’t I important just for the individual I am? These are very relevant questions I ask myself every day. My self-esteem is so low as a mother, and as a human it is unbelievable. I have been deemed unworthy by 4 of the people I love most. I wake up knowing they won’t reply to me. My oldest daughter might, but I believe it is out of sympathy or to just get me off her back. I guess she thinks I am only telling her that I love her in order for her to say it to me in return. I am pretty sure this is what their father has taught them. I am not telling my children I love them in order to hear it back. My heart aches that they are not receptive to my love. A child needs his mother’s love. Yes, of course, there is a tremendous sadness to know they don’t wish to give love to me. Not only because I desire that love, but because it is important for children to give that love and not withhold and deny it.

My case is such a mess. It is so messy that I feel sometimes I would be doing them a favor by disappearing completely. It is difficult to continually be rejected.

I truly wish there were answers to the questions I’ve asked in this writing. Thank you for reading.