I’ve been absent. A much-needed break from writing about my heartache has only brought me back with a renewed sense of purpose in sharing my story.
The worst thing I think a parent should ever have to attempt is to not think of their children. Fearing that all attempts to communicate or reach out to your own child or children is seen as an act of annoyance or even harassment. The act of oppressing your favorite memories and the desire to share your love with your own child is painful, to say the least.
I have recently related my behavior of thinking of my children to that of a fan idolizing a celebrity. I am distanced by location and cut off virtually even though we have the world wide web at our disposal and in our hands most of our waking hours.
I dream of my children. Nightmares of howling their names at the top of my lungs while feeling my heart breaking into a million pieces are the worst to wake up from. Dreaming that they allow me to touch them or even being blessed with a smile meant for me, from any of my children, are dreams I don’t wish to wake up from.
How did this happen to me? How did this happen to my precious children? I know the answers to these questions. Most answers start with “because I chose to do this…..” All questions are also answered with all fingers pointing straight at me. Every person I know has an armed finger, seemingly pointing in my direction, without them having their brain armed with the facts. This is very frustrating for erased/alienated parents. To be judged and dismissed so quickly by those who should be doing anything but judging.
I too once judged parents for not being in their children’s lives. What a terrible person, I thought. There was a time I thought I had it all together and nothing like this would ever happen to me. I was constantly lifted up as a loving mother by family, friends, church acquaintances, strangers, and especially my children’s father. These accolades stopped the moment I chose to answer ‘yes’ when their father demanded I answer his question “do you want a divorce?!” I wasn’t prepared for this question even though we were having a terrible conflict and he was sleeping at a friend’s house. He demanded an answer and I gave it to him. From that point on I made a lot of choices that steered my life in a path that was remarkably different from what I would have done even the week before. I was tired and I was fed up. This isn’t the beginning of a miraculous, beautiful change in my life. The next 6 years were some of the worst of my life. Even though I almost lost myself completely during this time, I am thankful for the lessons learned and most grateful for the child I brought into this world during this time.
I am still here and I encourage you to continue living this life right along with me. Follow my story. Dive deep with me into the heartache of humanity and also the beauty of life. You deserve to feel all the love and experiences that this world has to offer. Let’s do this together.